4 Years Ago Today...

Today is the 4 year anniversary of my Mom's passing...I never in a million years thought I would miss her SO much!  You would think that with every year would bring relief and almost a calming sense...NO not at all!!!  In a way I believe this year was tougher than the 1st year of her passing.  The reason is, everyone knew that 1st year...but everyone goes on, life goes on.  I'm in no way faulting family or friends, please don't think that this is the purpose of today's blog.  I am, in a sense, living my true feeling out loud and I mean no harm in my words.  Sorry if I've stepped on any one's toes.  It's also the sense that you are too raw to feel anything that 1st anniversary.  The 2nd anniversary, I believe was extremely hard too, b/c you realize that your loved one is not on vacation and they aren't coming through your front door :(  Last year, on her 3rd anniversary it came and went, I was a bit apprehensive BUT nothing like this year.  I was on edge all week long, just ask Ron :)  It literally took Ryan's Play Therapist to point out to me that it wasn't today-it was the anticipation leading up to today.  WHY on earth hadn't I seen that one?!  But she was spot on :/ 

I wrote to my aunt in an email that I just want to talk to my Mom again and get her advice.  I REALLY need to give her a huge hug, I miss her-boy do I miss her!  I was watching a show tonight (which will remain nameless) and there was this scene where a daughter needs a hug from her Mom and it dawned on me...I will never feel my Mom's arms around me again and doesn't every daughter need a hug from their Mom?!  I need her to tell me that all will be okay with Ryan.  No one but my Mom could calm me down when it came to Ryan and all of his diagnoses.  Sorry, for being such a downer :( 

My sister said something extremely poignant the other night, Mom will have been gone in the amount of time it took me (meaning my sister) to complete college.  It goes by in the blink of an eye.  Cherish every moment :)

Love & HUGS,
Jenny